Learning from Mozambique: Two Final Questions

Who is God? How has my understanding of God changed?

I don’t think I have ever thought so much about what I expect God to provide for me as I did when we were in Mozambique. Some of it was little things, like electricity or when the water would disappear for a day or so. When I would pray for the water to come back, I approached prayer with the mentality of, “God wouldn’t make me live without running water. He knows that I need that!” But the more I noticed people as I rode to school each day, the more I realized that God has never specifically told me that He will provide me clean running water. Ground-breaking, I know. But for me, it really was. I started to think about how many times I assume that some blessing I have is a matter of course and not necessarily a source for wild and jubilant thanksgiving.

For those of you reading who don’t know, Mark and I have been struggling with infertility for the past almost-two years. I say ‘struggling with infertility,’ but I really mean, at least for me, ‘fighting with God.’ Or ‘throwing tantrums in God’s presence.’ I haven’t yet told many people besides Mark and my mom that this trip, in some ways, was an emotional trial for me. At the beginning of January of this year, I was praying, “Lord, we’re starting these fertility medications. We can’t both get pregnant and go on a missions trip this year. You know which of those two options are in Your best interest and ours. I trust you.” But I really meant that I thought having a baby was in our best interest and that I would happily forego the trip if we could get pregnant.

So, by July, when I was not pregnant and all of the details were working themselves out seamlessly for the trip to happen and the support for our trip was rolling in faster than we ever thought possible, I was feeling pretty resentful toward God. I could see, even in my baby-hungry state, that God had set firm plans for us to go to Mozambique and not for us to have a baby yet. I determined to try to set my feelings aside for the trip and try to have a good attitude and learn what God had to teach me.

I was surprised to find out that part of what God had to teach me about Himself touched on my infertility. On one day during the trip, I saw pictures of the brand new babies of two friends and received e-mails from two other friends letting me know that they were pregnant. Those of you who have struggled with infertility know what a complicated mess of emotions birth and pregnancy announcements create in someone who desperately wants a baby!

During the time that I was crying to God after receiving all of this baby news, I felt God speak to me in a more tangible way than I ever have. God was telling me that He would give me the strength to bear up under the pain of infertility. He would give me the strength, but He was not promising to take my infertility or the pain it causes away. This revelation was pivotal.

At this point, with this message from God, I was finally able to begin to accept God’s constant ‘no’ answer to my asking for a baby. At least right now, God is not giving me what I want. God is not an over-indulgent parent. He willgive me what He knows I need. When I make assumptions about God, or feel entitled to certain blessings from Him, I’m no longer worshipping God for who He is. I’m just worshipping my idea of God. And if I’ve set standards for God that aren’t true to His character, I set myself up for disappointment with God down the road when He doesn’t measure up to my standards.

As a result of our time in Mozambique, I was finally able to begin accept that God is good and loving. He is not a genie, and He might have a different plan for me right now, something else for Mark and I to do before we’re blessed with children. I’m still sad sometimes. But I’m also able to move forward.

Where am I going? What is God calling me to be and to do as a result of this experience?

Ever since I graduated from college, I have contemplated returning to school to get my teaching license. Having experienced teaching in a classroom, I can now say that I loved it and I would love to teach again. Eventually, whether next year or in five years, I plan to return to school for that teaching license. I’m still waiting to hear from God as to His timing!

And as for overseas missionary work, I know that both Mark and I loved our time in Mozambique. I feel confident that if we made the commitment to do full-time missionary work, we would be able to deal with the challenges of that life, and we would love the work. At this point, neither of us believes that God is calling us to live and work overseas, but we are open to hear from God if He should begin to make it clear that that’s where He wants us!

Thank you so much for sharing in this Mozambique experience wit me! I've learned so much and been blessed in so many ways by this experience and by your support financially, in prayer, and through reading this blog. Please continue to join me in praying for Mozambique and the missionaries at work there!

--Hillary